2008 Recap.

As this crappy year draws to a close, I reflect.

1. Chicken Pox
2. Mono
3. 1 Missed opportunity.
   
4. 1 Crazy... who I'm oddly enough, friends with still.
   
5. Lollapalooza.
6. 1 Lying, self-absorbed crazy...
   
7. Many mistakes...
   
8. 1 set of parents returning and displacing me to the basement... again.
9. 1 solo roadtrip... to Iowa and beyond.
10. 1 rollercoaster ride of emotions.
11. 21
12. 3 jobs.
13. 3 weddings participated in.
14. 2 weddings attended, additionally... all were semi-close friends.
    
15. Graphic realizations.
16. Decent freelancing musician gigs... including some DJ'ing.
17. Obama Depression
18. Actually finding my Dreamcast games after 2 years of searching.
19. Loss of Sky Angel.
20. Too many dead youngsters... I hate going to kid's funerals.
21. Parental issues... including withholding information.
    
22. Good music... written and listened to.
23. Overcoming bitterness.
24. Dating myself.
25. Realizing what I have to do in '09 to straighten all of this crap out...

So...
Piss off, 2008. As a whole, you sucked a major monkey ball. Good riddance.

Dear 2009,
If you suck as bad as 2008 did, I'll cut you.
kthxbai.

Happy New Year! :D
-kendrick

'Tis a lovely day!

Wow... the first day in a long time where I have nothing planned whatsoever... it's kind of amazing... minus the fact that I'll probably spend it cleaning my car and my room (since those are the places I inhabit the most these days).

What an interesting semester this has been. I've met a lot of new people (some good, some bad), rekindled old friendships, parted ways with a few, and even dated for a bit. I've learned more about myself, about others, and even about art in general than I ever have before... and even though some of those lessons sucked to learn, I'm glad I experienced them now and got them over with :) They've made me a better person.

Realization #1579

I'm growing up.
Realizing the error of
my past.
Its fingers still
gripping me on occasion.
But the harder it
squeezes the more
I slip through.

I'm slipping out
and starting over.
Picking up my pieces
and re branding myself.
I have better things to
Live for and fewer things
to Die for.

Until next time,
Kendrick Wallace: forever the opaque transparency.

And so it begins...

The only reason I mention this here is because I know nobody reads these... and I need to have it set in front of me so I can complete the task at hand, bowing to no one or no force that could keep me from this end.

I've started the writing process for my solo album.

There, I said it.

If Matt and Todd can do it, why the heck can't I? Some of the stuff I've written in the past just isn't meant for Leaving Shiloh or The Rockslides. The same is true of the new stuff I'm writing.
So why let them sit and fester in the pages of my notebook when I have a plethora of excellent musician friends and a desire to let my feelings be known?
If Dave Grohl and Taylor Hawkins can do it, Lord knows I can too.

May this introspective endeavor be blessed.

-kw

Procrastination to the Nth Degree

I once wrote:

Girl, you make me work too hard,
too hard for your love.
And if I knew we'd be apart,
I don't know what I'd do.

Who knew that it would apply to someone else other than the original intended?

It's funny how that works... Life, that is.

Everything comes full circle
Like spirals spinning out.
What once happened
Will happen again.
It truly never fails.

One door closes, another opens... Then you find yourself in the same place you were years ago. Irony can be quite humorous at times. Karma (for those who believe in it) can also be interesting. My world consists of nothing but circles and spirals since my wings left me.
And I'm coping just fine, actually. It's amazing.
I learned a lot about myself. My limits. My compromises. My "love."
I learned a lot about others. Their hopes. Their fears. Their "control."
And I've come out a better person, I believe.
Full reliance on God and all of His saving grace is the only thing that kept me sane.

I'm Kicking habits to the curb

and driving off into the sunset,
never looking back
to see the sadness in their eyes
and contempt in their veins.

Burn my world
on a paper plate.
Watch as the embers
take hold
and bounce back
and forth.

Reflectors on the road
avoided like the plague
the outcome will surely
Live.
Live, I say.
Live.

False Hope vs. No Hope
The debate never ends.
Down the river
or across the street
I'll always see you there.
My pieta,
My wings,
My polyrhythm,
I'll always see you there.

There. I successfully procrastinated and alleviated my mind at the same time.
Therefore: Kdawg 1 : Research Paper 0

Live, I say.
LIVE.

Untitled #17

I truly hope
everything's alright.
My heart, the final chapter.
To feel your arms
and touch your skin
My life, the ever after.
Oh, the eyes
That capture the skies
And light the ever-darkness.
To fall so slow
That heaven knows
Each time my world implodes.

Ten Minute Delusion

A road less
traveled yields great
response
towards falling emptiness.
With each second
the end gets closer
than a hungry animal.
I'll look back and laugh
at your false memories
and happy little trees
as you try to pass yourself
off
as friendly.
You know nothing.
Your hypocrisy invades
every crevasse of your
feeble house of cards.
With waves, I'll take
your shore away.
Til there's nothing left
but rock.
By then you'll be swept
into my sea
to drown in your lies of passion
and to sell your soul
to another.
If it bothers you
so much, bring
it not upon yourself
and the simplistic minded
simpleton of yore.
New dawn fades
Old dawn dies.
Grow UP.
lead yourself on
to see what happens.
You're amazing at it...
TIME.

Maybe I'm Amazed...

It's kinda cool when you're just chilling and a song pops up on the ol' iPod that really just fits the moment.

Maybe it not only fits that fleeting moment, but maybe your life in general at that point... Then you find yourself playing it on repeat... It begins to truly seep into the innermost part of your soul. Deeper and deeper, you discover through the lyrics what really is going on in your bumfuzzled brain. Everything just sort of clicks.

It's also funny the way a song can have two different meanings at the same time just for you... just like God himself has control over your music player.

He knows what you're going through... as much as it may suck... And he truly does has a sense of humor at times.

"... I'm amazed at the way you're with me all the time
Maybe I'm afraid of the way I leave you."

"... I'm a man and maybe Im a lonely man
Who's in the middle of something
That he doesn't really understand."

So thank you, Sir Paul McCartney, for writing a song.

And to all of you who think God can't use secular music to reach your soul:
Quit putting God in a box.

Let me go on, and on, and on...

Yeah... About that.

Grow up.
You really need to for your own good.

Meanwhile, I'm just dandy actually :)

No complaints... just taking it easy and saving money.

As for "opportunity," time can only tell... and patience never was one of my virtues.
But I've learned many a good lesson these last couple of months... and one was that you sometimes just hafta wait it out and hope for the best.

So here I sit. Waiting it out. Fasting and praying to a certain extent.

"and now we know why they call it a bitter end."

Why is it that this "opportunity" has such a hold on my heart?

Note to self:

I win.

What a week/weekend/beginning of this week.
And that's really all I have to say about that. :)


"Good things happen to those who wait."

“A man's gotta make at least one bet a day, else he could be walking around lucky and never know it.” Jim Jones

The shut windows of opportunity + A sledgehammer.

I grow weary of missing perfectly good opportunities in life because I refuse to "man the eff up."

Well guess what? I'm manning the eff up. And if you take issue with that, then tough.

I'm taking a sledgehammer to one of those closed windows of opportunity soon... And I'm forcing that sucker back open, so help me God.

Burn the World
and all that's in it.
Mind the soul
before it eats itself.

The inner burning is
a living paradox.
Passion and Jealousy
combine
to form lines
of cocaine for
the snorting of the jaded.

Where did it all go wrong?
The signs were there
just no ACTION.
This is the failure point
This is the ever after.

Inhale the smoke of
the burning world
and insides.
Its scent, pleasing to your
nostrils.

You know all too well
what you're doing.
You know all too well
the thoughts of men.

The attention you crave
was right in front of you.
I only failed to act.

And that's all I got... A nice dark poem for a nice dark day.

fin.

A brief reflection.

As I sit here waiting for someone with the darkroom code, I reflect.

This semester has pretty much been a hellish experience to say the least. Never again will I make the mistake of taking 4 studio art classes at once... However, I've met scads of interesting new people in the process, so not all is lost.

I feel older each day... New body parts hurt that have never hurt before, I feel the need to go to bed at 10pm, and my handgun obsession is growing. Where are the days of dying to stay out until my 1am curfew? I guess I only wanted out of the house because others were in the house. That "problem" has vanquished itself to Colorado, heh.

Women will always confuse me. I give up. I guess I'm destined to live the single life till I'm old as Todd... Of course, he's getting married next week which either proves the end of the world is near or that there's still hope for humanity... You be the judge. Damn you, friend zone... Damn you.

Observation: Chicken pox suck... especially when you're 20. That was a fun experience...

Screw it... surely someone's down in the darkroom. I have prints to keep... and many miles to go before I sleep.

fin.

Bleh...

This is me not paying attention in survey of Asian Art...

I'm torn right now... b/w people, classes, work, spirituality... Torn amongst them all... and within each category.

And it's beginning to bleed me dry.

Trust me, spending last week in the studio was a welcomed break from the monotony, but the catch-up work I'm doing is sucking the very life right out of me. I hate sacrificing precious sleep because of an art project of some sort.

I don't have time for much of anything anymore... anything important to me, at least. Even when I'm at church, my mind is elsewhere... usually on my schoolwork or what I need to do to clean up my house on my only day off or what I need grocery-wise from Wal-Marx.

And it shouldn't be like that.

I owe it to God and myself to really worship in church, but from some reason, it's just so dang hard. The old ways I swore I'd change keep creeping back in and my mind begins to wander.

Maybe it's just all a part of getting old... I'll be an official adult in less than 4 months, and quite frankly, that scares the ever loving crap out of me. Real worries will soon approach... including (but not limited to) actual full-time jobs, true self-sufficiency, non-shallow relationships (aka the M word), etc... And I have no idea what I'm to do about any of those things.

Perhaps I was sheltered too long... But I don't put the blame on my parents at all. They did what they thought was best and I can't hate them for that.
What I can hate, is myself for not making decisions in general... The body-numbing fear of error and mistake has prevented me from experiencing a lot of things, whether good or bad.

In essence, I feel I've shot my own self in the foot.

So this is Kendrick...
The torn, bloodless being...
Hoping for a Change...

Anything really... just something different.

And now, back to listening to a woman ramble on about Buddhist art...

-K.W.

Welcome

Welcome to my big kid LJ...

Who knows what may come of this?
The life once known is fleeting.

Expect abstractness and generalities...
And accept it...