Off to onething'09 in Kansas City tomorrow, and I'm pretty pumped :)
It's the icing on the cake to my weekend of solitude last week.

I'm working on myself and figuring things out the right way, and it's marvelous.

I've failed. Miserably. And He's bringing me back.
This is really all I can do.

Do what You want with me. All of it is Yours now.

From my trip.

12/19/09 8:45pm (mtn. time)

As my time here at Elijah Ministries in the wilderness country of Craig, Colorado comes to a close, I reflect. They (whoever “they” may be) say that the best way to learn about one’s self is through solitude. Boy, were they right. Over the past few days, I’ve witnessed myself through a full spectrum of emotions. I’ve scrutinized aspects of my existence. I’ve vowed to make changes. But above all else, I’ve vowed to let God handle it. See, the main thing I’ve discovered is that God really does have everything under control and that I don’t need to worry. I showed up here being all pushy and like “Ok God, I’m here. I need answers for this, this, and this right now.” Well, God in his infinite wisdom decided to smack me upside the head and give me a simple answer to my complex questions (in modern terms): “Chill… chill and let me handle it. Here’s some peace courtesy of my Word. Wanna know My Will? Keep reading and praying.” And that’s just what I did :) I addressed things that needed addressing and He gave me peace about them. I was able to forgive myself for wrongs I committed in the past. I was able to forgive others for the wrongs they committed against me… and that was so unbelievably refreshing.

Being alone has given me the opportunity to remember what I used to be, see what I’ve become, and realize what I’m becoming… and how to move forward on the right path. And that’s an amazing feeling at this point in my life. I now feel I know myself. I realize how difficult it is for someone who is surrounded by people constantly and always attached to his phone to be cut off from the outside world lol. I’m glad it happened though. Now, I’m looking forward to going home with a new vision, a renewed purpose, and a peace that passes all understanding. To God be the glory, forever and ever, Amen!

Like a city whose walls are broken down is a man who lacks self-control. - Proverbs 25:28

And that's all I really have to say about that.

Flight leaves at 3:10.

Here I go. Broken.

One day...

One day, I'll get something right.
One day, I'll learn to keep my mouth shut.
One day, I'll learn to control myself.
One day, I'll figure things out.
One day...
One fine day.

I hate I can't just get a clear answer when I want it. It would make things so much easier. I'm hurting others bc I can't figure my life out and get things straightened out... and I hate that. The self-loathing is a miserable feeling too. I'm genuinely to the point that I hate myself. I'm just not a suitable person for anyone yet... I'm not even a suitable person for myself.

I hope to address these issues and more with myself when I retreat to the solitude of wilderness ranch in Craig, CO. The battle has gotten too hard and I'm losing big time. It's time to have a sit down with God Himself and hash some things out. I'm sick of it all and it's driving me mad. I need help. Badly. I've fooled enough people into thinking I've got it all together. I don't. Not one bit.

It'll be nice to just go into the snow-filled woods and scream.

DEAR GOD, HELP ME.

:)

It's getting better, man. :)

Slowin' dat roll!

Praying for patience and contentment all around :)

4 more days til grad!

w00t

Crockpottin' so I don't screw this up again :)

A nice, slow simmer yields the best of stews.

"After you have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself perfect, confirm, strengthen and establish you." - 1 Peter 5:10.

I like how it's going. Gotta keep it in check, though.

Graduation in 8 days!!! :D