Off to onething'09 in Kansas City tomorrow, and I'm pretty pumped :)
It's the icing on the cake to my weekend of solitude last week.

I'm working on myself and figuring things out the right way, and it's marvelous.

I've failed. Miserably. And He's bringing me back.
This is really all I can do.

Do what You want with me. All of it is Yours now.

From my trip.

12/19/09 8:45pm (mtn. time)

As my time here at Elijah Ministries in the wilderness country of Craig, Colorado comes to a close, I reflect. They (whoever “they” may be) say that the best way to learn about one’s self is through solitude. Boy, were they right. Over the past few days, I’ve witnessed myself through a full spectrum of emotions. I’ve scrutinized aspects of my existence. I’ve vowed to make changes. But above all else, I’ve vowed to let God handle it. See, the main thing I’ve discovered is that God really does have everything under control and that I don’t need to worry. I showed up here being all pushy and like “Ok God, I’m here. I need answers for this, this, and this right now.” Well, God in his infinite wisdom decided to smack me upside the head and give me a simple answer to my complex questions (in modern terms): “Chill… chill and let me handle it. Here’s some peace courtesy of my Word. Wanna know My Will? Keep reading and praying.” And that’s just what I did :) I addressed things that needed addressing and He gave me peace about them. I was able to forgive myself for wrongs I committed in the past. I was able to forgive others for the wrongs they committed against me… and that was so unbelievably refreshing.

Being alone has given me the opportunity to remember what I used to be, see what I’ve become, and realize what I’m becoming… and how to move forward on the right path. And that’s an amazing feeling at this point in my life. I now feel I know myself. I realize how difficult it is for someone who is surrounded by people constantly and always attached to his phone to be cut off from the outside world lol. I’m glad it happened though. Now, I’m looking forward to going home with a new vision, a renewed purpose, and a peace that passes all understanding. To God be the glory, forever and ever, Amen!

Like a city whose walls are broken down is a man who lacks self-control. - Proverbs 25:28

And that's all I really have to say about that.

Flight leaves at 3:10.

Here I go. Broken.

One day...

One day, I'll get something right.
One day, I'll learn to keep my mouth shut.
One day, I'll learn to control myself.
One day, I'll figure things out.
One day...
One fine day.

I hate I can't just get a clear answer when I want it. It would make things so much easier. I'm hurting others bc I can't figure my life out and get things straightened out... and I hate that. The self-loathing is a miserable feeling too. I'm genuinely to the point that I hate myself. I'm just not a suitable person for anyone yet... I'm not even a suitable person for myself.

I hope to address these issues and more with myself when I retreat to the solitude of wilderness ranch in Craig, CO. The battle has gotten too hard and I'm losing big time. It's time to have a sit down with God Himself and hash some things out. I'm sick of it all and it's driving me mad. I need help. Badly. I've fooled enough people into thinking I've got it all together. I don't. Not one bit.

It'll be nice to just go into the snow-filled woods and scream.

DEAR GOD, HELP ME.

:)

It's getting better, man. :)

Slowin' dat roll!

Praying for patience and contentment all around :)

4 more days til grad!

w00t

Crockpottin' so I don't screw this up again :)

A nice, slow simmer yields the best of stews.

"After you have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself perfect, confirm, strengthen and establish you." - 1 Peter 5:10.

I like how it's going. Gotta keep it in check, though.

Graduation in 8 days!!! :D

My life in days.

Wow... this is going to be an interesting end to 2009.

• 1 day til Redstone.
• 3 days til Alpha Chi show (Ttown) with Kinder.
• 4 days til my Art History final.
• 5 days til my last day of regular classes.
• 7 days til Rare Martini show with Kinder.
• 12 day til my Typography final/last official day of college.
• 14 days til graduation.
• 16 days til 12th and Porter (Nashville) show with Kinder.
• 18 days til Colorado.
• 23 days til my return from Colorado
• 27 days til Christmas.
• 34 days til I can yell "peace out" to 2009.

Oh yeah, factor in figuring out what I want to do with my life somewhere in the mix lol.
The prayers are definitely appreciated.

-KW

Yep.

I got a lot to be thankful for.

w00t.

I'll face this night... with Christ alone.

The journey ahead is nothing that He and I can't handle.
I accept that.
This is it.
I'm doing what He told me to do a long time ago... and that's to trust Him.

"I may be down, but I will rise. It may be dark, but God is light."

Rereading an old book I haven't read in many years, but finally seems relevant to me now. Purity and Holiness are possible. I've just forgotten the ways and means to get there. I got the salvation down... time to work on the sanctification and spirit-filling.

I thank God everyday for 718 and what He's done for me through it.

"He said, 'Naked I came from my mother's womb, And naked I shall return there. The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away. Blessed be the name of the LORD.'" - Job 1:21

Tired...

I'm done asking for more time.

• More time to get my life together.
• More time to get my spirituality together.
• More time to heal.
• More time to become a better potential mate.
• More time to work on my problem areas.
• More time to finish school.
• More time to find a job.
• More time to figure out His will for my life.
• More time to become financially stable.

Now I'm just going to take my time.

• No more cycles.
• No more inconsistency.
• No more drama.
• No more heartache.
• No more rushing.
• No more rash decisions.
• No more decisions without Him.
• No more guilt.
• No more failures and shortcomings.

I'm done with that. I've started stagnating and I don't like it. Time to move forward. Now who's with me?

For the record, I choose not to talk to you as much because it hurts to talk to you... and in recent days, each conversation has ended in argument or tears, and I'm weary of that. That doesn't mean my silence is permanent. There's not a doubt in my mind that we can be friends. However, I feel I'm more of a distraction to you than anything right now.

So in the nicest way possible, and as friend who is beyond tired of seeing his friend half-arse her way through life, I say: Chill out and grow up. You have so much potential that you're wasting by seeking after trivial things. Things that will let you down. Focus on the things that mean something... God, family, school... Everything else can, and will fall into place after those. Call it "Sunday School" all you want, but it's true and you can't deny that. Swallow that pride (and spit out that fire)... and live your life the way you know you need to live it, because you were meant to live for so much more than what you're living for.

Yeah... I said it.

No concluding remarks. This is it.
-KW

Dear Colorado trip...

Would you please get here faster?
Kthxbai.

November is finally here. Hopefully the cool weather will stick around for awhile this time.
In just about a month, I will be attending my final college classes... That's so weird to me. It seems like yesterday I was graduating from Briarwood.

My, how I've changed... for the better and for the worse... But I'm working on the "worse." I actually have the desire to change for once, and not just the hollow words behind it. It's hard to do what He says sometimes, but if you just trust Him, He'll take care of you. I have to keep reminding myself that on a daily basis.

I know what I want... but I don't know if it's what I need. And that's a tough place to be in at this stage of my life...
So I greet you with annoyance, Quarter Life Crisis, please don't make yourself comfortable.

-KW

Well that felt right. I like peace. It's a beautiful thing :)

I'm truly growing weary of getting my hopes up, only to have them dashed to the stone before my very eyes.

Oh well... to God be the glory anyway.

May Your will be done, just like I honestly prayed it would be... even if the outcome isn't what I want right now. What You want is all that's important to me. Every time I try on my own, I make a mess of it. Please give me the strength to surrender my selfish, self-centered, only-child desires to You and You alone. I'm tired of the cycle. I will run this race with patience, so help me God.

Dangerous prayers need to be prayed for a reason. They really test your sincerity... not to mention your trust of the One you pray to. This world has nothing for me. He alone is mine. He's all I truly need. And I'm sorry I've lost sight of that, for both our sakes.

-Kendrick

What should've been posted on Monday:

The book reading is moving along quite well. It's got some really good stuff to say and I'm trying to apply it. The main thing is that we grow closer to God. Without Him, we will fail... and I would prefer that not to happen :) We're taking all necessary measures to prevent that too, and that's very exciting and reassuring. Just gotta remember to pray without ceasing.

And yes, there's a girl... and she makes my heart happy... (when she doesn't frustrate me ;) kidding!). I'm learning to take things in stride, forgo some of my old "only-child" habits, and even what buttons NOT to push lol. I look forward to what the future holds :) One day at a time.

Today (10/29/09):

I think life is a beautiful thing :)
I read an awesome quote on someone's facebook the other day, and it really spoke to me:

"It is an insult to God to believe that our screw-ups are greater than His mercy." - Matt Pitt.

I couldn't agree more. Even when I feel like such an idiot or do something really stupid, I shouldn't get bogged down in the guilt and shame that sometimes arises. Now, that doesn't mean I shouldn't try to not repeat my actions, it just means that if I fall, I need to pick myself back up and move forward... because I'm covered by His mercy.

Just read the chapter in this book about communicating effectively. It was a good eye-opener. Also eye-opening was another triangle from the previous chapter. In order to succeed, you need all three kinds of love: spiritual, physical, and emotional. As a whole, this book is very helpful in showing what I'm doing right, and what I need to work on... and it keeps getting better.

That's all... a little disjointed today, but sometimes I like doing the whole "stream-of-consciousness" thing. :)

Adieu,
Kendrick

rain rain rain...

"Grey Days" usually make me depressed... but not today! :) I've decided to count my blessings instead.

Just to name a few:

1. I woke up this morning.
2. I have a job.
3. I have an awesome family.
4. I have someone who loves me :)
5. I have a relationship with a Savior who puts up with me despite myself, my idiotic ways, and the poor choices I sometimes make... and He's helping me do better on a day-by-day basis :D
   
6. I'm almost done with "higher" education!
7. Drums, drums, and drumming :D

I highly encourage anyone feeling down on a day like today to jot down a list of blessings. It really helps a lot. I'm feeling pretty dang good :)

Started reading another book. I'm not into it enough yet to tell you about it, but it's probably gonna rock my world like When God Writes Your Love Story did. And from what little I've skimmed, it will. Just gotta apply it :)

Good things are happening. I'm just trying not to lose focus of the One who's making them happen :)

-KW

*Edit: As of 3pm, it's sunny and gorgeous outside. Further proof that life is a beautiful thing :) Bowling tonight with some amazing people :D

Briefly...

I've been informed I need to update by an avid follower of this blog, so I thought perhaps, I might appease this aforementioned person ;)

I'm happy right now. Things are looking up. The future is getting less and less frightening.

Just trying to stay focused on God right now. I know the closer we get to Him, the closer we'll get to each other... and that's majorly exciting :)

Less than two months, and I will be a college graduate... wow. Let's hope I can pull up that typography grade.

"Continue to reverence the Lord all the time, for surely you have a wonderful future ahead of you." - Proverbs 23:18 (TLB)

Keep me in your prayers as always,
KW

Reflecting in the Rain...

It's been a good lazy day... although I've actually made headway in rearranging the room. More room for the music equipment, less for the living space... And I can handle that :D

I'm just amazed that UAB actually gave us a fall break. Never expected that.

Actually, lots of good, unexpected things have been happening lately. The Lord is really blessing me. If I can stay focused and keep up with the self-control, I think I'll be in good shape. Just gotta keep surrounding myself with the good peeps He keeps placing in my life. Thankfully, it's getting easier. Keepin that prayer train on tha tracks! w00t w00t! Whatever it takes.

That's all. Work in about an hour... ONE and Momma G's after. This is why I love Thursdays.

"And everyone who has this hope fixed on Him purifies himself, just as He is pure." - 1 John 3:3

-Kdawg

P.S. 3 more days... and I couldn't be more excited :)

Words to live by...

"Just keep on keepin on." :)

This is the final week of my 21 day fast/consecration. I've learned so much about just letting go and trusting God that it's not even funny. Once again, I've found that when I fully trust this situation to Him, good things happen. When I start worrying and doubting, things don't go as smoothly. However, prayer works, kids. I've slipped up a few times over the last few weeks, but I know I'm forgiven if I only ask for it. God has been dealing with me about certain habits and He's giving me ways out of them. He even says in 1 Corinthians 10:13 that you will never be tempted beyond what you're able to resist. That's reassuring, but at the same time, a little disheartening... because I'm realizing now that I could have resisted certain things... But "He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness" (1 John 1:9). It's a daily battle sometimes, but God is showing me what's wrong/right, revealing truths to me, surrounding me with some pretty amazing people, and building up my tolerance. And that pretty much rocks my face off.

Good things are happening and I'm taking notice. :)

I now have in my possession a book from a friend of mine... She's very convincing sometimes... In fact, I'm not exactly sure how she suckered me into this one. I won't tell you the title, for fear that you'll judge me... but it starts with a "Redeeming" and ends with a "Love." Do'h! ;)

“Keep watching and praying that you may not enter into temptation; the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.” - Matthew 26:41 (emphasis added).

With love and patience,
Kendrick

What I've found to be true...

Distance, in fact, does make the heart grow fonder.

Still praying, still hoping, and still waiting :)

Fret not!

I must say, I feel quite at peace right now... about everything. The test, life, etc... It all feels good... Like it's all gonna work out. :)








and that's a beautiful feeling.

A Minuscule Musing

Even when I'm stressed out beyond all reasonable measure, God is still good :)

It's all about the little things... and having awesome friends to help you sweat the big things.

It's getting better. One day at a time.

Now, I just gotta pass these classes :/ Gotta step it up a notch and stay focused no matter how good or bad my circumstances may seem to be. He said He would never give me more than I could handle... and I'm holding Him to that! :)

Now... to work I shall go! Carpe Diem!

-KtothaW

Wow.

Just a quick note to tell you how good God is.

My car tag unexpectedly came up due for this month (aka I forgot about it lol). Me being poor and in college, I honestly didn't have enough for it. I started to panic a little, but finally calmed down enough to ask "God, I don't know how I'm going to do this, but You are going to have to help me." I didn't give anymore thought to it after that.

Not even 3 hours later, my boss hands us all $100 bills and says "Congrats for helping us meet our goals for last month."

That just about covered my tag payment completely.

God is good... all the time. Never forget that. Trust Him and stuff will work out.

That is all :) Happy Friday!

-K.W.

Ya know, maybe I should start following my own advice for once...

Taking care of the spelling errors.

Some things I've been learning recently:

1. "God is faithful, and he will not let you be tested beyond your strength but with your testing he will also provide the way out so that you may be able to endure it." (1 Corinthians 10:13)
2. "Therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." (Romans 8:1)
3. "Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails..." (1 Corinthians 13:4-8)
4. "Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good." (Romans 12:21)
5. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart And do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He will make your paths straight." (Proverbs 3:5-6)

I read a book earlier this month called When God Writes Your Love Story by Eric and Leslie Ludy. I haven't read a book in forever, but I just couldn't put this one down. It spoke to just about everything I was going through at the time.

The main premise was giving God the pen to your life so he can write your love story and how to apply that to the rest of your life. I've been attempting to do this.

What I've found, is that when I do fully give him the pen, it turns into a great story and things just seem to fall into place. However, some things may not turn out the way I want them to, so I sometimes take the pen back to make my own edits. What I end up with is a jumbled mess of poor grammar, incomplete endings, and spelling errors.

I cant do it on my own anymore. And I fully admit that. I'm getting stronger in the Lord, but I'm not quite there yet.

Trusting God can be tough, especially when He asks you to do something that may sting a little... but if you fully trust Him and His will for your life, you can't go wrong. It may stink at first, but slowly you'll realize that it's all for the best. And that's the most reassuring part :)

Lord, help me surrender my pen to you completely. Show me your will for my life. I'm tired of messing up and doing things on my own. Please help me with self-control and everything else in between. Thank You.

And so the journey begins. I have nothing to lose except my own selfishness.

Here we go.

-Kendrick

Let the rebuilding begin.

Don't worry, trust God and everything will work out in the end.
I'm learning to believe that myself.

I'm not perfect, but at least the Lord is helping me try.

Healing water, rain down on us.

I'm really trying here...

Allow me to state for the record that I have awesome friends.
Yep... that's about the extent of it.

And that's about all I got.
Life is funny sometimes.
So many things I would like to say at times, but just cant.

School, work, life...
I'm off to do it.
Lord, keep doing what You're doing.

-KW

A new chapter is dawning.

Getting over this flu is a pain, but it's given me time to think and rest in the Lord... therefore, not all is lost :)

I'm ready to get back into the swing of things and rock this final semester. Hopefully, God will be opening some doors soon to give me a heads up on where to go after graduation day... Kinda scary to think about, but I know everything will be alright.

Things in general are slowly beginning to level out... physically, spiritually, and emotionally... and that's exciting. I'm interested to see what happens :) Knowing that it's ALL in His hands has been the biggest load off my mind. I'm not saying it was an easy road to start off on, but the further I go (slowly, but surely), the more reassured I am that I'm finally doing the right thing. He has quite a humorous way of dropping little "confirmation nuggets" to help nudge me along and keep my doubts/fears at bay. I still struggle at times, but He's helping me... And picking me up out of the mud when I stumble. He loves me despite myself! :D

This verse just "happened" to be my devotional verse on Monday morning. There's no way this was a coincidence:

"I pondered the direction of my life, and I turned to follow Your statutes." - Ps. 119:58

Oh, but that's not all. The commentary talked about the choice between following God and following your heart. Your heart can be swayed, but God never fails.
Like I said, funny little "confirmation nuggets." :) NAIL ON HEAD.

Wow, I've written a novel... maybe I can channel this into finishing my Fluxus paper lol.

-Kendrick Wallace
Here's to new beginnings and second chances!

How else am I supposed to get over being in love with you and just be your friend?
Isn't that what you wanted?

It's not permanent.

I thought you cared... I thought you felt bad for hurting me.
I don't think you fully understand what I've gone through.

Until my gut stops wrenching every time I think about you, I can't continue this.
I'm sorry.

Why wont you be patient and let me heal?

I'm trying to save the friendship. I wish you could understand that.

He's right.

This has to end.
It's not healthy... and if it continues on this present track, I very well may need professional counseling...

No more.

May God truly help me.

It's all yours now, God... take it. Do what you want to with it. I just cant handle it on my own anymore.

-KW

I wish I could heal faster.

I wish I could just let go and give it completely to God.

I wish I didn't hurt so much.

And I was doing so well too...

God, help me. Please.

One person should not have this much of an effect on my countenance...

I'm off the carousel.

And the roller coaster is leveling out.

Farewell to the fairground.

(nvrfrgt)

Wow.

God is good.

I've felt amazing today.

But ya know what?

Everything's gonna be alright.

I have the best parents, friends, and Savior in the world, and they are ALL gonna help me through this.

And that's very reassuring :)

Now, let's pick up the pieces.
Lord, help me.

-K.W.

"What use am I as a heap on the floor?" - She & Him.

Exhaustion.

Complete and utter exhaustion.

I guess I finally got my closure...
But it hurts so bad.

*numb*

I hate this sense of confusion.

It's like it's supposed to happen... but it's not.
I can't quite put my finger on it.
There's that uneasiness... with and without.

Overcoming my flesh is proving to be quite the task.

Shouldn't it be easy to give up your own selfish desires when you truly love someone?

God, please help me navigate this stormy season of my life.
You are not the author of confusion.
And I know You don't want me to be alone.
Help me to trust you with this area of my life.
Only You can save me now.
Amen.

Patience, Peace, and Resolve... That's all I want...
and a little thing called stability.

You know that whole "Game of Life" thing?

Yeah... I quit.

Because I suck at it.

Back to playing "Sorry."

At least I get to slide on that one.

@#$%^&

We can do it.
We can make it.

"Return" - Needtobreathe

It’s hard enough to know
That something’s made us not the same
Did I give all I could give
Or spend all I could spend in vain

We were holding on the line
Waiting for the sun to rise
But we could not believe
The sunlight never crossed our eyes

I’m giving you my heart to break again
Oh I’m leaving you a way to get back in

Return to me

We were holding on the line
Waiting for the sun to rise
But we could not believe
The sunlight never crossed our eyes

I’m giving you my heart to break again
Oh I’m leaving you a way to get back in

Return to me

Every heart goes down and every fire goes out
When we don’t hurt anymore
I know it’s all my fault that you’re behind this wall
But I’ll be here when you break it.
When you let it down.

Return to me

I'm ready to dive in.
Each day passing
will lead to better things.
Promises to keep.
The light will shine.
The beginnings are
always the hardest,
but the reward will be sweet.
Here it goes.
No more putting it off.
No more "what ifs."
I'm diving in.
If I crash and burn,
at least I tried.
Here it goes.

One day, I'll look back and realize that I'm doing the right thing with this situation.
I just wish she saw it the same way...
There's a difference between "avoiding" and "confirming." I'm doing the latter.

I pray for patience. Not just for myself now, but for her as well.
I want this. I really do. And I know it can work eventually. We both have to heal first though.
You're on the right track. Keep going in that direction. Keep praying and seeking Him. He's the only one who can heal our hearts and truly write our epic story! :)

Kendrick

A lot of stuff stood out in this article I read... but this one question grabbed me by the throat:

"Do you love her enough to seek her best interests even if that means denying your wishes or telling her no?"

Food for thought.

Keepin' the prayer train on the tracks.

-KW
the imperfect person striving to survive this murky world

Two weeks...

Mutual trust is an interesting concept.

I'm ready to be normal.

"I'm Getting Sentimental Over You." - The Ink Spots

Love that song. I'm a softy for vintage 1940's crooning.

Thankfully we're not busy at work today.

I'm praying really hard about this one. It's a big decision and I'm scared to death, but it has the potential to be the best decision I ever make... or the worst.

I've gone through a lot these last few months... and I know I'm not willing to go through that kind of hurt again... But if she's serious this time (and I'm talking 150% serious... not 99.999%) and is willing to work at it, this has the potential to be something amazing and marvelous.

Keeping our priorities straight is a MUST tho.

The "L word" will make you do strange things... but logic and reason must have their say too.

So for now, I'll sit back and observe... and see what happens. No jumping the gun... no long range planning... just one day at a time. I have to see change and consistency.

Patience.

Well..

Let's see what happens.

You cried wolf too many times.
I deserve better than that.

Moving on...

Must stick...
To guns...
For my own spiritual sake.

I can breathe.

Epiphanies late at night are amusing.

We're no longer on the same page, it seems.
It appears to have turned from "love" to "lust" again.
I'm not falling into that pit again.
Tough luck.

I'll need the strength of 1000 angels and all the principalities to resist this.

And yet, strangely, I don't feel bad about what I said.
Maybe it's the exhaustion...
Or maybe, it's the "sign" I've been looking for.

You can't keep me on a string forever.
And I refuse to throw away everything I've worked so hard for the last 4 months getting myself up to par spiritually because I'm a horny little bastard.
I'm not that guy anymore.
Once again, tough luck.

If you don't want definitions... and this is turning into FWB again... then you need to find someone else because I'm not playing that game again. Too many people get hurt... including myself.

I guess that's that for now.

Four more days max of the roller coaster... Then I'm done either way.
I'm sticking to my guns this time too.
It's the only way.

It feels so close... I can taste it.

Please let her be for real.

I'll believe it when I see it.

continued...

(writing this out is therapeutic, therefore, I'll continue to do so.)

Oh yeah... and I'm getting really tired of being manipulated.
My trust continually wanes. The white lies, as little as they may seem, are eating away at it. And everyone knows, if there's no trust in a relationship, there is no relationship.

There's no reason to hang out with him if something's not happening... it just doesn't make sense.

I don't deserve to be treated this way. I'm a nice guy and I'm actually starting to believe people when they tell me that. I have a lot to offer someone and I deserve way better than this mess.

And yet for some reason, I still stick around doing the same things and expecting different results...
Logically, this does not make sense... and is quite stupid on my part.

Stepping back for a bit to view the situation through normal eyes, as opposed to emotionally charged eyes, has helped a lot... Without that constant twinge in my heart, I can actually rationalize things... Crazy, I know, right?

I just need resolve. I am so over this.

Game over.

(who knows, maybe more later. i like this way of expression)

the world keeps turning.

Good, strong, solid advice is a beautiful thing.

As I was sitting at Blue Monkey last night having an absolutely miserable time, it hit me:
This cycle has to end.
It's the same thing every time.
I've been crushed under enough guilt... I've shed enough tears... I've spent over three months pining, worrying, and not being myself...
I've changed.
A lot of things changed for the better... however, I've lost a lot because of a situation I have no control over.

More later... back to work.

Drivel

Regaining perspective after a failure is always tough.

I don't want to give this up.
But if that's what it takes for everything to return to normalcy for now, it's what I've got to do.

I gave it a good run... is it time to move on? I can't afford to get caught in the same cycle all over again. I don't want to be the boy I used to be anymore.

They say "with age come experience." If they only knew the half of what I've gone through these last 3 months.

Anywho, that's what's going on in my head right now... right next to the "I really hate my job" thoughts and the "I really just want to make music" thoughts.

All I want is a clear sign...

*Note to pay attention to timestamps.

I can feel it coming to a head... soon.

One way or another, closure will come... Then I'll be happy... whatever the outcome.
I can only hope it was all worth it.

She promised though.

Closer and closer.
I feel it ever closer.
Your eyes meeting mine
on a street called nowhere.
Love's fleeting glance
melts all the frigid caps.
Two weeks to live.
Two weeks to die.
And in one brief moment
Everything will arrive.

Trusting God through all of this is the only thing keeping me alive... and that's awesome :)
I've learned so much about trust, faith, hope, love, and patience... LOTS and LOTS of patience lol.

To be continued...

Dear Emotion,
Sorry, but Logic and Reason made a better offer.
You're fired.

Sincerely,
Kendrick Wade Wallace

My current thoughts.

Some things going through my mind:

• I'm learning scads about patience, faith, and what true love really is.
• I put myself out there, told her everything, and even wrote a letter. I'm serious about this. I meant everything I said.
• I can honestly say for the first time in my life, I'm in love.
• No more games. We're adults now.
• If two people seriously love each other, then they should focus on cultivating that into serious relationship... and without a third party involved.
• I feel an overwhelming peace... either way this ends up.
• She can't have us both.
• I've been honest with God, myself, and her. The choice should be easy.
  
• Life will be a whole lot less complicated once this is resolved... for everyone. Quit dreading the outcome and just do something.
  

/end Stream of Consciousness

"I got to admit, it's getting better... A little better, all the time." - The Beatles :)

A thought. Or two.

Who knew I could actually miss her this much... but I must clear my head, or rash decisions could be made.

Getting your feet knocked out from under you can have an interesting effect on your spiritual life... Is this what I think it is?

/end

A Spill.

Blast
The sound of sirens block
each note a tendril on my monocle
Fierce laden extractions of doubt and fire
enveloping the delusional delicacy.
False
eaten hope abandons even the
sweetest of fallacies
As fear trembles at the sound
of itself
An echoing note on my clavicle.
The belt of life around my neck
choking itself out
as eyes roll back
and strike the pins
of hellfire and cascade
light through my jaws.
Minstrels will never know
the sound of my soul
or the shape of my brow
(furrowed as it is)
Nor the ache I feel
when "it's" not there.
I'm calling you out.
Your not the one you
said you were.
But who is?
Living the lie of the sky lit
parks and jaded mercenaries
of old.
Trigger pulled.
You're gone.
As the cell phone signals
disrupt the radio
time and time again.
Prying inside the canals
Anvil and Stirrup sway.
The love everyone writes of
is merely a reaction and disruption
of normal functionality
and deserves its place
among criminals and thieves
Romanesque style, upside down.
As its body collapses on itself.
The Bloody End.

This is where I'd normally put a creative title...

Creativity in writing comes in spurts these days... Usually because I'm too busy constructing visual items or completely exhausted from creating the aforementioned visuals. Thus is the life of an "artist" or whatever you would reference graphic design as. And yes, I DID end a sentence with a preposition. Take that, conventionality! Bahaha.

I'm sure if I had a therapist, he or she would say I should do this more often. Ya know... get my feelings out in the open so I don't bottle them up to the point of explosion and turn into a serial killer or some business like that. On a side note, I hope that they wouldn't be an analyst as well, because "Analrapist" looks weird on a business card... But I digress.

After nearly 9 years, I'm finally starting to make money doing what I love, thank the Lord. I drove to Iowa just to play a show... then I drove back and played another show here. Two shows in three days. I personally wouldn't mind getting to the point where my drums never leave my car. In fact, that's the goal. Commercial "Art" is a nice fallback, but it's not my passion by any means.

This stupid aromatherapy soap they have at highlands is starting to get to me...

I'm finally starting to truly love life again... even when my foot ends up down my throat or when giant piles of horse poo are lobbed my way. I'm taking more things in stride and trying not to stress about things. It's a shame it takes the passing of someone your age to realize that life is short and that you only have one chance to do what your heart is set on. Therefore, I'm taking more chances. QED.

I've met a lot of interesting people in my short few weeks of retail work at Dollar Mart... It's been quite the experience. Like the 86yr old guy who's had more surgeries than you cant count and talks with a voice box... or the U-Haul employee that tells me her life story every time she enters... or the crazy woman who haggles me over the price of $1.75 mylar balloons... or the 8yr old girls that buy makeup and apologize for having "no cents." It makes for really good social commentary and stereotyping lol.

The feeling returns to unused hands
the touch of soothing laughter.
The heart, it sparks with signs of life
That have long departed me.
What am I to do?
Cut and run or stay it true?
That long-forgotten feeling.

I just don't know anymore... It's so confusing... and there's no reason I should feel that way.

Anywho, time to go to bed before I start rambling and typing gobbledygook that only makes sense to me and the Thom Yorke inside of me.

Adieu, un chien Andalou.

Inflection

I feel a rut coming on and It's already bearing down upon me.

I'm surrounded by the lies and dogs of despair I once wrote of many times before.

I'm positively sick of this. The only thing keeping me from just dropping everything and running is lack of funds. Give me the money, and I'll go places...
Isn't that always the kicker? Give the kids the money... Invest in the kids... invest in the schooling... and they'll all go places... Grade A Bullshiite Muslim.
Spend some time with your freakin kids and quit relying on other fallible humans (ie: teachers) to raise them.

Screw the education system. It's all a crock. They tell you a degree gets you X amount of money. Lies. If I had a dollar for every one of my friends with a degree that are as broke as heck, I wouldnt need my own degree.

Life is funny like that.

Then there are people promising you the moon... Newsflash: It's NOT a wonderful life... this is reality.

I just want to leave it all behind for at least a week. Spend some time alone. Collect my thoughts. Read what I want. Write what I want. Speak my mind to whomever I want and actually stand behind my beliefs.
I want to not feel insecure... I want to trust my own decisions (in design and in life). I want to answer to no one but God and myself.
I WANT TO SCREW THE SYSTEM.

Screw "change."

"They will believe a lie and be damned..." or something to that effect.

/end rant. &hearts