Jet Black New Year - by Thursday

Bringing it BACK.

New Years Reso... Oh who gives a crap.

Yeah yeah... My usual year-end post where I say how I'm gonna learn guitar, finish my motorcycle, and write a solo album...

I'll do it one day... But I'm gonna be a little more non-committal with my list this time and actually go after some achievable goals. Safe way out? You betcha. Sometimes, in this "let's be bold and conquer everything" society, we lose focus of the little, easy things we can do to help ourselves and the world around us.

So here it is. My unofficial "Resolutions" list for 2011: (or things I'd like to do, but may or may not do lol)

1. Journal. Every day. I'm talkin straight up buy a moleskine and even if it's just a "Today was awesome" thing, write SOMETHING.
2. Be a better friend. Actually be there for folks, even when it's not convenient for me.
3. Read. Every day. Bible verses (mainly), books, newspaper, whatever.
4. Limit my internet usage. Twitter and Facebook can survive without me. And nobody cares how many Double Downs I just ate.
5. Be less dependent on my iPhone. See number 4.
6. Date nobody but myself until I'm good & ready and have my relational baggage from over the years sorted out. Nobody deserves to go through what I've gone through... therefore, why rehash it all to the next girl I date? I need to renew.
7. Continue (and finish (if applicable)) what I've started. Kendrick, you know what I'm talking about.
8. Believe God will truly supply all my needs, will forgive and forget when I ask for it, and will never force me to handle more than I can handle.

That's all. Hope it inspires you somehow.

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. - 2 Corinthians 12:9

-KW 

The Thoughts of a Dying Romantic.

Singleness.

Such a dirty word in today's culture.

With all of my friends (and I mean a good majority of them... Even the ones that shouldn't be allowed to reproduce) getting engaged and married, what's a young chap like me supposed to do? Follow the masses or be so anti-establishment that I shun all contact of the romantic nature with the opposite sex? Such choices...

Or there's option three: Chill.

Chill and enjoy the things I wouldn't be able to do were I in a committed relationship (some folks in relationships should be committed... To an institution).

Chill and pursue dreams and help others.

Chill and let God be God and do His thing in my life.

There is so much more to life than worrying about how someone may or may not feel about you. Quit being so anxious! Be patient and realize that God will supply all of your NEEDS (not necessarily you wants) according to His riches in glory. Also keep in mind that the first thing you want may actually be the very last thing you need at this point in your life.
Is your self-worth and security tied up in what someone else thinks of you? Then you have a problem. Your worth should be based on what God thinks of you. And He thinks you're the cat's pajamas.

Do you feel you can't function without someone by your side?
Tread lightly.


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Ryan Adams - When The Rope Gets Tight (Don't Fail Me Now)

You have to fast forward to 1:50 before he starts, but it's worth it. Pardon the lack of real blog content lately. Been on a video kick. Life is good though :)

Jeff Buckley - Forget Her

Revisiting this number. Love it. Always have, always will.

Other Lives - Black Tables

I had forgotten how much I loved this song.

Frustration.

It never ceases to amaze me how, when I invest so much time into trying to help someone (giving them good, solid advice), they still choose to ignore it and continue wallowing in the filth of their situation. There's clearly a way out, and I'm not the only one who's given them this same advice, but they keep going back. It's frustrating to say the least.

As a dog returns to its vomit, so fools repeat their folly. - Proverbs 26:11

Then, I think how guilty we all are of that...

God gives us good, solid advice and we ignore it. You feel it in your gut. You read it in a passage of scripture. You hear a sermon that feels as though it was written just for you. The Godly people in your life tell you what's up. Yet, whether because of immaturity or stubbornness (or both), we choose to take our own route. Without fail, 100% of the time, it ends up being a much longer and more painful ordeal than it should have been.

If only we had listened...

If only I had listened...

I can think of many instances, even within the past two years, where I should have listened... But it's all a part of growing up.

Where we fail is when we "learn our lessons," and yet continue to return to the same situation.

"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." - Albert Einstein.

This closing thought is for me above all else... take what you want from it:

Stop the insanity. Grow up, and listen to God. He will never steer you wrong.

-KW 

Thoughts.

Great is Thy faithfulness, O God my Father;
There is no shadow of turning with Thee;
Thou changest not, Thy compassions, they fail not;
As Thou hast been, Thou forever will be.
 

Great is Thy faithfulness!
Great is Thy faithfulness!
Morning by morning new mercies I see.
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided;
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!

Summer and winter and springtime and harvest,
Sun, moon and stars in their courses above
Join with all nature in manifold witness
To Thy great faithfulness, mercy and love.

Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth
Thine own dear presence to cheer and to guide;
Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow,
Blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside!

"All I have needed Thy hand hath provided..." Think about that. I mean, REALLY let it sink in. "ALL." Not just some of our needs, ALL of them. Every last one of them. Provided by His hand! If that doesn't bring peace to your heart, I don't know what will.

I was going to use this (and a Pete Yorn article from Relevant Mag) to segue into a dissertation about singleness and how we should find our completion in Him and no one else... But these words are far too powerful to go and muck it up with my own late-night drivel. I'll save that for a later occasion.

So I'll leave it at that. Press on, dear friends. And remember that His faithfulness is truly great.

-KW

Shiny Toy Guns - Rainy Monday

So begins a new chapter.

Word of the day: CAN

Don't let it slip away.

I am a walking failure...

...but God still loves me.

Some days, it's two steps forward and three steps back. Others, it's giant leaps forward and upward. And even others, it's just lying there, metaphorically convulsing naked and vulnerable in the muck and mire of my past regrets.

I just wish I had more consistency.

It's as though the harder I try to strive for righteous living, the harder it is... And I hate that.

Will I ever fully understand why He has taken away certain things in my life? Probably not. But I figure it has something to do with growing up, and teaching me patience.

Patience.

That word is such an abomination to the "only child." We're so used to receiving what we've asked for in that instant because we've never had competition... And that's a hard rut to get out of... But I'm trying.

I'm "trying" to do a lot of things (quit a lot of things, change a lot of things, start a lot of things, etc.)... and stumbling worse than some of the inebriated college students I play music for on the weekends... but at least as a whole, I'm stumbling forward.

But it's so tough when the loneliness hits... When the guilt hits... When the feelings that a usually happy person like myself shouldn't be experiencing hit...

Where's the resolution?

I read a David Wilkerson article a few days back that really helped (here).

Here's the main quote that is sustaining me through this week in the dry and arid wilderness of my mind:

"Oh, precious, troubled saint - God has not forgotten you. He has bottled every tear you've ever shed. You must make Him the joy and hope of your life. You must let His Spirit change you, so that circumstances can't hinder you anymore.

God does His best work when He's changing us. That way, whatever comes, you will learn to rest above it all - seated with Him in heavenly places. Remember: you are the object of His incredible love!" (emphasis added)

Now comes the challenge of convincing my sometimes overly-cynical mind of the truth contained in that article... and realize that this seemingly never-ending valley I'm in truly is only for a season.

A friend posted a quote yesterday: "God doesn't look for perfection, just progress."

I can get behind that.

Growth

I have two options:

1. Grow up and accept the tough changes I'm going through in this transition to true maturity.
2. Die.

Option two may be easiest, but it would accomplish nothing. My purpose on this earth isn't yet fully realized.

I only wish that option one could be easier.

I have all the "right" answers and I know God is with me, I just need help applying them and fully placing my faith in Him.

I need balance... and I need to retain the lessons I learn instead of making the same mistakes over and over again.

Can anyone relate?

Acceptance is the hardest thing. Realizing your flaws, shortcomings, mistakes, and failures is a very painful process in and of itself. That's not even considering the pain involved in fixing those aforementioned problems.

But I know I can't keep running away from something when it gets uncomfortable.

"There is NO growth in a comfort zone and NO comfort in a growth zone." - Unknown.

My biggest problem: Putting too much emphasis on the gift and not enough on the Giver.

This season is very dry... but I know that the growth that will come out of it will be unparalleled to any growth I've experienced so far in my life.

This is it.

I'm not the same person I used to be. And I never want to go back to what I was.

What I've been learning lately:

"Civilized arguments can benefit a relationship by exposing neglect, unrealistic expectations, or different points of view. Sometimes, neither person is wrong. Each one is simply approaching the same topic from unique perspectives. Therefore, do not try to avoid conflict but seek to resolve it in a loving, mature manner. If you cannot freely voice your opinions, you will live in miserable bondage to another person. Both parties should have the freedom to express their ideas and desires." link

Oh yeah, and prayer works :)

It weighs heavy, but in a good way. It's a refining process and I would be a fool to think that I could somehow remain the same.

I had a breakthrough last night. I'm finally letting go of the bitterness and pain with His help. And that's the most beautiful thing about this.

Time let go and jump in. *cue Frou Frou song from Garden State*

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Feeling close to God, even when everything is going well = priceless. :)


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Listomania

1. Life is beautiful.
2. Not everyone/everything has to suck.
3. Smile. A lot. :)
4. Learn from your past... and move on.
5. God is good. All the time.
6. If you say you're gonna do something, DO IT. Don't half arse it.
   
7. When faced with temptation, don't tell yourself "Don't." Ask God for "Help." Trust me, this works a lot better than telling yourself not to do something... Especially if you're a rebellious punk like me.
8. Stay positive. Despite the negatives, there are still good aspects of your life... And you know it!
9. Find your catalyst.
10. Surround yourself with people who are truly good and happy. It WILL rub off :)
    

“There is no safe investment. To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket—safe, dark, motionless, airless—it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell.”

- C.S. Lewis; The Four Loves

See what I did there? Problem solved!

I always aim to please :)

Good talk, y'all.

God bless each and every last one of you!

-KW

I'm in a weird state right now.
Little things irritate me. I'm very uptight about certain things.
Guess it's just another cycle of ultimately being pissed at myself for the stupid mistakes I've made over the past year...
Growing up is a pain... And there ain't no asprin for it.
I've learned oh-so-much... Now it's time to apply it.

"I made mistakes back then, I'll never do it again... It was a painful death, now I have a second chance." - The Black Keys


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I stumble around, and He holds me up... again and again.
"Better a stumble, than a fall."

It never ceases to amaze me when I go looking for a specific book, and end up buying a different one that speaks (probably) twice as many volumes as the one I originally intended to buy.

God's just plain funny like that sometimes.

I still have a lot of work to do... but I know (because of what He's said) I am NOT in too deep.

Time for a detoxification. Too many toxic elements in my life. Time to separate my own wheat from the chaff. Who or what will be left is anyone's guess at this moment. I just know in my heart that it NEEDS to happen. And soon.

Time to stretch that faith muscle, eh?

Yes. I'm a terrible blogger. So what?

God is good.

That's all.

Awakenings, Lightbulbs, and Such

Life post-Colorado/KC has been good. I've learned a lot and met some good new friends and spiritual mentors. It's been a growing process and I've failed many times, but His mercy is neverfailing. Isn't that awesome? He loves us in spite of ourselves.

Lately, however, I've noticed the spiritual "high" beginning to wane. I guess that's the ultimate test of one's conversion experience: how one functions and continues to move forward without the constant feelings of the spiritual buzz.

When you strive for purity (in word, thought, and deed), the battle may seem tough, but you must remember: the Lord is on your side and while you may lose a battle or two, the war has already been won by Him :)

So time to get some things in check. I'm off the fairway and into the rough, but I'm not in the sandtrap or lake yet! Keep me in your prayers, o faithful readers. Pray that God will help me choose the right club to get back on the green :)

A little sunshine...

...never hurt nobody :)

All is well. No more relapse!
And I love my friends.

That is all.

Shows, shows, and more shows.

Wow... Really can't think of anything to post other than "God is good and He knows what He's doing."

I'm just happy to be alive :)

Shutup... it's 1am and I havent done one of these in awhile.

You can have your twisted words
in tendrils of superficiality.
The meat,
dripping from the bones
of soft, encrusted light
showers even the daintiest
of objectivities.
This world, I'll never know
as dark becomes light
and failings become victories.
In a final gasp of remorse
the old falls away
making all things new.
Go on, go on,
Eat, for tomorrow we live
in soft scattered droplets
of existence and charity
Phasing only the unknown
with dreams of liquidity
and unrighteous truths.
Believe me, believe me,
it only wants your innards.
It only wants your mind,
with cortex and synapse,
your fulfilled mind.
Your backwards walk cant hide
the spirals of hope
within the confines
of the ever present
struggle.
Fade.
Out.
Now.
Believe their lies and nothing in it,
just as the vultures
who live off of what
once was
and will
never
be
again.

Looks like I'll be rereading this one.

I read this in a very distant acquaintance's blog (ie: I think I only met her once at some sort of round-a-bout theater party or something... I honestly cant remember... much less why it was saved in my bookmarks... guess God wanted me to read it). Anywho, I thought I'd just quote a few parts here and there and give you the gist of it... but alas, the whole thing was so good and completely related to my own life (and spirituality) that I figured I'd jank the whole thing.

So here it is, in its entirity, from alisonkelly.wordpress.com:

Recently I’ve read a book I’ve wanted to read for a long time now: CS Lewis’ Till We Have Faces. If you have not read it I highly recommend that you do! It’s incredible.

The book deals with love as an idol. Even something as wholesome as motherly love can become an idol. Storge, philia, and eros love are all encountered within the main character and each becomes an idol to such an extent that one of my favorite lines comes out:

“They say the loving and the devouring are all one, don’t they?”

To love someone so much that you stifle them. You would destroy them before they left or hurt you. It is the nagging, oppressive, possessive kind of love. It is the kind of love that needs the other person so terribly that you place expectation on them that no human could ever meet. This sort of love destroys. Such love can be seen a number of ways. It is found in the oppressive wife who wants to change her husband “for his own good.” It is in the father who wants his son to live up to what he’s always wanted in a son. It is expecting a friendship to save you from yourself. And once that husband or son or friend resists or doesn’t do exactly what they had expected, all hell breaks loose. The one “in love” will grip even tighter, push even harder. They will manipulate, frustrate, and guilt-trip the recipient of their love until the desired response.

In reading this book I immediately looked to my own life at any idols I might have. Instead I saw the idols that were once burned out of me. I once loved someone so much that I would have married him. However, it wasn’t him that I loved. It was the desire for escape and freedom. It was wanting to find my identity in anything other than Christ. I wanted to put my own problems on him and have the marriage fix me. And it never would have. The Lord burnt that out of me, and thankfully saved me from a marriage that would have been doomed by my idolatry.

But at the time I would never have known I had an idol. It wasn’t until, after the Lord took it away, that I saw my state for what it really was. I spoke honestly and frankly with God. And, hearing my complaints, I saw the sin for the first time. Hence why my favorite line in this book comes at the end:

“My complaint was my answer. To have heard myself making it was to be answered. Lightly men talk of saying what they mean…when the time comes to you at which you will be forced at last to utter the speech that has lain at the center of your soul for years, which you have, all that time, idiot-like, been saying over and over, you’ll not talk about joy of words. I saw well why the gods do no speak to us openly, nor let us answer. Till that word can be dug out of us, why should they hear the babble that we think we mean? How can they meet us face to face till we have faces?”

I think if I had read this book a couple of years ago I would not have understood it. Now, having gone through the process of forced honesty, of having an idol burned out of me, I understand.

Another Lewis book that will always stand the test of time in my heart!

Whelp... that's about the long and the short of it, I guess. I start rereading tonight.
God can use anything, guys. Even a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend's blog from 2 months ago to open up your darkened eyes to your own shortcomings... and prove that He's still God, He still loves you (in spite of yourself), and that He's still in the forgiving business if you only ask it. It's like he's got a big ol' "delete" key :D

All I can say is that God is amazing and that I will never be the same after last week :)

"I just see this image of gum on your shoes... it's time for some new shoes." - Emory.