Bleh...

This is me not paying attention in survey of Asian Art...

I'm torn right now... b/w people, classes, work, spirituality... Torn amongst them all... and within each category.

And it's beginning to bleed me dry.

Trust me, spending last week in the studio was a welcomed break from the monotony, but the catch-up work I'm doing is sucking the very life right out of me. I hate sacrificing precious sleep because of an art project of some sort.

I don't have time for much of anything anymore... anything important to me, at least. Even when I'm at church, my mind is elsewhere... usually on my schoolwork or what I need to do to clean up my house on my only day off or what I need grocery-wise from Wal-Marx.

And it shouldn't be like that.

I owe it to God and myself to really worship in church, but from some reason, it's just so dang hard. The old ways I swore I'd change keep creeping back in and my mind begins to wander.

Maybe it's just all a part of getting old... I'll be an official adult in less than 4 months, and quite frankly, that scares the ever loving crap out of me. Real worries will soon approach... including (but not limited to) actual full-time jobs, true self-sufficiency, non-shallow relationships (aka the M word), etc... And I have no idea what I'm to do about any of those things.

Perhaps I was sheltered too long... But I don't put the blame on my parents at all. They did what they thought was best and I can't hate them for that.
What I can hate, is myself for not making decisions in general... The body-numbing fear of error and mistake has prevented me from experiencing a lot of things, whether good or bad.

In essence, I feel I've shot my own self in the foot.

So this is Kendrick...
The torn, bloodless being...
Hoping for a Change...

Anything really... just something different.

And now, back to listening to a woman ramble on about Buddhist art...

-K.W.