I am a walking failure...

...but God still loves me.

Some days, it's two steps forward and three steps back. Others, it's giant leaps forward and upward. And even others, it's just lying there, metaphorically convulsing naked and vulnerable in the muck and mire of my past regrets.

I just wish I had more consistency.

It's as though the harder I try to strive for righteous living, the harder it is... And I hate that.

Will I ever fully understand why He has taken away certain things in my life? Probably not. But I figure it has something to do with growing up, and teaching me patience.

Patience.

That word is such an abomination to the "only child." We're so used to receiving what we've asked for in that instant because we've never had competition... And that's a hard rut to get out of... But I'm trying.

I'm "trying" to do a lot of things (quit a lot of things, change a lot of things, start a lot of things, etc.)... and stumbling worse than some of the inebriated college students I play music for on the weekends... but at least as a whole, I'm stumbling forward.

But it's so tough when the loneliness hits... When the guilt hits... When the feelings that a usually happy person like myself shouldn't be experiencing hit...

Where's the resolution?

I read a David Wilkerson article a few days back that really helped (here).

Here's the main quote that is sustaining me through this week in the dry and arid wilderness of my mind:

"Oh, precious, troubled saint - God has not forgotten you. He has bottled every tear you've ever shed. You must make Him the joy and hope of your life. You must let His Spirit change you, so that circumstances can't hinder you anymore.

God does His best work when He's changing us. That way, whatever comes, you will learn to rest above it all - seated with Him in heavenly places. Remember: you are the object of His incredible love!" (emphasis added)

Now comes the challenge of convincing my sometimes overly-cynical mind of the truth contained in that article... and realize that this seemingly never-ending valley I'm in truly is only for a season.

A friend posted a quote yesterday: "God doesn't look for perfection, just progress."

I can get behind that.